SKIN ✝✝✝

xemmyx-deactivated20100928 asked: I read your posts, I have felt the same feelings you are writing about. I know how hard it is, and I know you dont know me but if you wanna talk, you could add me on facebook or something. There is always someone who can help make things better... somewhere in the world x

Aw thanks babes. I think I’m okay though. Been a while since I felt that way. x

Things didn’t end how I wanted them to.

Okay so it has been a few hours now. Probably about 5 or 6 and I feel so lost. So fucking lost and I don’t even care about anything. I am trying so fucking hard not to cry but it’s so so so hard. All I can think of is you and how much I am going to miss you. I am going to miss everything about you. And I knew, I knew that you didn’t care. That you couldn’t really give a shit about me. And i cared so fucking much. And then you tell me that it’s not the same as what you have felt with other girls. No relationship is the same, no girls are the same, no people are the same so how are you going to feel the same about someone? Have the same phone calls, texts, sex, talks, interests. Nothing is the same in different relationships. I really really liked you. And I mugged myself a fair few times to try and get that through to you. I don’t understand why you didn’t just end it early on. Save yourself the trouble of me. Save me the trouble of trying so hard with you.

But the truth is I don’t want us to be over. If you were to call me now and ask me to give us another go then I would. Of course I would because I don’t think you realise how much I actually like you. How much I thought about you. How much I wrote about you and talked about you. And thats always the way. 

I don’t see why I have this fucking problem of falling into these traps that boys love to set up. I don’t even know what to do. This morning I was so scared of love but willing to give it another go. Now I am absolutely terrified because everything goes wrong when you let yourself get too wrapped up in someone. Like I have done. Twice. I would give anything to make this horrible painful butters feeling go away. Every time I think about you My chest hurts and I go to cry. But I have only cried three times today. Once about half an hour after. Once after watching Pocahontas because her and Captain John Smith had to leave each other and they knew they would never see each other again. And once when I sat down at the piano to write a song, I was crying too much so I couldn’t see the piano let alone try and sing/make up lyrics. 

And Now. And I’m only crying because I don’t want to be writing this. I wanted to spend the night with you tonight. And buy you loads of stuff on your birthday. And just generally be happy together. I fucking miss you already. I haven’t seen you for a week. And I just feel so fucking lost. I thought you liked me at least a bit. But I was so fucking wrong. I hate this feeling. I hate holding back tears. I hate showing my fucking emotions even more. I want to spend tonight with you. I want to spend every night with you. And I would stop having sex with you to build on the rest of our relationship. 

I just want you. But you don’t want me. 

I am also crying because I am going to really miss your mum and dad and Lennie ( and Gloria but she is in Texas). I am really really really going to miss them.

I fucking hate this.

I hate love. I hate relationships. I hate getting dragged into a fucking pointless relationship. And I hate writing a bunch of bullshit out of anger when all I really want to say is that I wish we hadn’t broken up today. And I want us to work and I will do anything to make it work. But there isn’t a spark… You said it yourself. I thought there was. But you obviously didn’t. And I can’t compete with your ex. She is buff and skinny. 2 things I’m clearly not.

And once again. A year on I am back where I was. Heartbroken, confused, lost and hating love.

And the people.

Even though I don’t hate them. Clearly it’s far from hate. 

If I knew how to change this URL I would.. Because My posts will be all about you for a good few weeks. I hope this feeling goes quick. I hope I wake up tomorrow happy. And I don’t immediately reach for my phone to text you. 

Fuck Love, Fuck relationships, Fuck everything to with them. 

Boys are only good for sex. 

I love chatting bullshit out of anger.

Thats such bullshit.

I fucking miss you already. And the sad thing is. I know you probably haven’t even thought about me since we spoke. Great. Just shows how much of a mug I am.

Getting fucked tonight.

My love?

So where do I go from here? I feel lost without you but when I’m with you, you leave me feeling lost… So what am I to do? Its unsettling feeling like I do. You never call or text and sometimes I wonder if you even think about me. And on top of everything I’m confused. But you don’t have to worry about that because no matter how much you love me you will never be able to help me with that confusion. I am close to being too attached.. I may already be too attached but I have convinced myself I’m not so that I don’t fall into that trap again. I don’t even know what you feel. I can’t say I love you, not because I don’t but because I have had my heart broken already and am scared to feel that pain again. I can’t even explain how scared love makes me. I can’t even admit it to myself. And I have closed up a lot because of what love did. I don’t want you to have to suffer for what has already happened but I really can’t help how scared I am and how I just can’t love you. And I can’t love you. Not because of anything you have done, but because I can’t bring myself to fall in love. And I’m scared incase I do fall in love, and I don’t know what I will do. I have been in the situation I am putting you in, and it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I’m not saying it is for you because I don’t know if I mean that much to you. I feel everything now that I felt before I fell in love and that worries me because that probably means I’m on my way there… I do love you, but I don’t LOVE you. I’m sorry for being like this. I know I’m a problem and only bring you problems and arguments and I’m so sorry, I’m sorry for being a bitch. You probably hate me. I don’t blame you for hating me. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH, THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS BECAUSE I WAS ONLY WITH YOU LIKE 3 HOURS AGO. PLEASE COME TO MY HOUSE AND FALL ASLEEP WITH ME…

ERGH

And this is all just a bit ridiculous…

Soooooooo, another day, another night without you. Longggggg I miss you.